cycles

i was reading a book a few months ago called Listening to Prozac, and it was talking about how apparently when people are coming out of a depression is when they are at the highest risk of killing themselves.

now let me preface this by saying that: that particular thought has not crossed my mind, nor do i expect it to and i'm not actually saying i'm at risk for it, but--

i think i can understand why now. i think i'm at somewhat of a similar point now, and it's almost worse, or more frustrating, because i can see the potential happy, busy life i can lead, but you get so angry at yourself when you think about how much time you wasted on sleep and self-pity.
if i had only spent that time looking for a job, or reading, or being outside or talking to people or cooking, etc.
i think that it's perhaps the most difficult time and the time when you're most disturbed by your own actions (or lack thereof) and therefore might be a time which would cause someone to actually go through with killing themselves. i do actually feel this change in energy levels and willingness to do things that they describe.

when you're actually IN the depression, you're so deep in the self-pity and tiredness, etc, that it's just beyond... (although obviously not for everyone)
but at this point you can really feel how the rest of the world is, and you want that, and it's just the most frustrating thing in the world. and your self-pity turns to self-hatred and a feeling that clocks are ticking and you've just wasted so much time.
oh dear.