i love pbs

i love pbs and i love to read and i'm not going to be ashamed that sometimes, i'd rather be home reading or relaxing than out doing something more sexy.

as odd and possibly pretentious as this sounds, i'm finding a very strong personal parallel with the pbs program i'm currently watching focusing on what it was like for blacks to come out of slavery and try to establish themselves as free people.

i think that many of my problems over the past few years have stemmed from the fact that, as much as i've pretended not to, i'm always concerned about waht i'm supposed to do, what it seems like i should be doing, and reconciling the conflict of what that means to different people.

and most importantly, i've been floating. i feel like i haven't comprehended the reality of control over my own life; i haven't recognized how my every day reactions very directly relate to my happiness and fulfillment of what i've want.

the show, a remarkable one i've seen ads for and highly recommend (check local listings!!), was making the point about what it was like for slaves to go from being the labor, working on farms, to the point where they owned their own farms and were making the decisions and all involved with that, rather than just "doing" the farm. i really identify with that, and i don't think i've fully realized the degree to which i've been ignoring that, hiding behind things like guilt, past mistakes, and other things.